12 AUGUST 2023 A lthough there is no scientific evidence to support the theory, I firmly believe that deep inside every one of us is a hidden desire to impersonate a wax dummy. Mine once became so strong that I did it, with less than satisfying results. It occurred several years ago while I was still employed as a columnist for The Phoenix Gazette . One hot summer day, while scouring the Valley for column ideas, I recalled that no previous writer had ever written about such an experience. I contacted the Royal London Wax Museum, a delightfully funky institution that once stood on the corner of 52 nd Street and Van Buren. After explaining my idea, the owner agreed I could spend an afternoon as a bartender in the Tombstone Wax Exhibit. And so it began. Lest there be some unjustified snickering as this account unfolds, I must digress here to emphasize this singular point: Being a wax dummy is hard work. During a 45-minute guest appearance that day as the bartender in the saloon tableau, I was forced to remain completely immobile and go without inhaling, exhaling, breathing, blinking, scratching, swallowing, sweating, coughing, sneezing and twitching for as long as five minutes in a row so my true identity as a newspaper columnist seeking something to write about wouldn’t be exposed. Despite that, I don’t think I fooled very many people. However, I at least looked like a wax dummy – proper height, proper build and dressed nattily in a bola tie, striped vest and felt derby hat. Nobody else in the scene bore even a vague resemblance to a good wax dummy. Instead, they looked like cheap mannequins rescued from the reject pile. Wyatt Earp’s hat was several sizes too small, perched atop his head like a humpbacked devil ray. Doc Holliday’s mustache was an inch longer on the left side than on the right, and he stared aimlessly into space like a deer in the headlights of a pickup truck. The saloon girl, obviously interjected into the scene as a sex symbol, was crammed into a frilly dress that had been involved with three Kansas tornadoes and a street brawl. Although shackled with such an inferior supporting cast, I soldiered on and awaited the throngs that would arrive to inspect me and my partners in this faux Western representation. They would be less than six feet away from me as I pretended to dispense fake liquor from empty bottles. This was a problem because, at that close range, even the slightest movement would be grounds for a refund. Wax museum patrons want their dummies to be non-active so they can make snide remarks about their lack of resemblance to the real thing without being subjected to possible withering glances and blistering retorts from the objects of their scorn. Nobody, for example, wants a wax dummy yelling at them and saying that they can’t help it if they don’t look exactly like Ted Danson. And here’s something else about wax museum aficionados: Their anti-dummy barbs are always done in loud whispers like they want to share their disbelief with fellow attendees but don’t want the dummies to hear them and react negatively. So they speak in those loud whispers that can easily be heard by anyone standing less than 50 yards away. The first couple was a little girl and her father. She knew instantly that something wasn’t right, and she tugged on her dad’s sleeve until she got his ear down to her level. “The bartender’s moving,” she whispered. “No, he isn’t,” her father said. “He can’t move. He’s a dummy. Can’t you tell a dummy when you see one?” She insisted and finally got her dad to stand still with her so they could check me out in silence. I was like a rock. My last breath, unwillingly confined to my lungs and struggling to escape, pleaded with me to set it free, but I remained absolutely motionless. The little girl wasn’t convinced, so I stayed frozen, much to the dismay of my breathing apparatus. It was a wise move because as they were leaving my presence, she whirled around for a sneak look, undoubtedly assuming that I’d relax when they left. She did that three more times before heading for the next scene; each time, I was ready. I was solid. I was cast in steel. A suspicious little girl was no match for a breath-sucking wax dummy imitator. Finally, she came back into the room alone, approached the exhibit and leaned over the railing that guarded me and my wax buddies from souvenir hunters. Then she whispered in a real whisper, not one of those phony expulsions used by her elders, “I know you’re real because I could see the way the lights reflect off your eyeballs.” During the next 40 minutes, several more groups toured and inspected me and my cronies. Many of them were children who stood absolutely still, apparently assuming that if they didn’t move, I would. I faked most of them out. Some shot 100-watt flash bulbs directly at me to see if I’d blink. Others caught me catching a breath and stage-whispered to everyone in their group to watch my stomach move in and out. For the most part, they just looked, surmised and moved along. Some rented tape recorders that gave a commentary on each scene, including a detailed history of every wax figure, down to where they were born, what kind of whiskey they preferred, how many brawls they’d participated in, and whether or not they had captained their high school chess team. Of course, having paid an additional fee for the rental unit, the would-be historians demanded their money’s worth, so they refused to leave until they’d heard it all. Every word. Every stinkin’ last word. None exhibited any tenderness toward the red-faced bartender, now showing signs of implosion. Finally, a middle-aged woman arrived with her husband. They stopped, gawked, commented in the usual 54-decibel whisper, then almost got into an argument. The woman said she thought the bartender was a real person. Her husband scoffed at the mere idea that anyone would try to pull a stunt like that on an unsuspecting audience that had paid to see real wax dummies, not imitations. She persisted. He insisted. She noted that the bartender was sweating. He pointed out that the hot lights illuminating the scene often caused the wax to melt. She said if you watched closely, you could see the veins in my temples throbbing; he squinted and disagreed. By this time, the husband was anxious to move on and view the other exhibits, including “Tarzan of the Apes Surrounded by Wax Gorillas and Somebody That’s Supposed to Be Jane but Looks More Like the Durango Kid.” So he put an end to the discussion by angrily declaring: “Of course, he’s a dummy! You can tell because his head’s too big for the rest of his body!” My brief career as a wax dummy The Lowe Road A former Valley newspaperman who now writes about his travels across Arizona, the U.S. and the globe. BY SAM LOWE Can you spot Sam in this room of wax dummies? Serving the Arcadia area since 1958 | D O G S | CATS | B I R DS | EXOTI C S | MEDI CAL • DENTAL • SU RG ERY • BOARDI NG • G ROOMI NG • O B EDI EN C E TRAI N I NG Member Since 1959 4855 E Thomas Rd, Phoenix AZ 85018 | ingleside.com HOSPITAL 602-840-3446 | GROOMING 602-952-1754 Appointments available BRIAN A. SERBIN, DVM • FELICITY GESINA, DVM • MOLLY R. KLEIN, DVM HEBAH MOHAMED, DVM • KARISSA SCIACCA, DVM • EMMA SMITH, DVM PROTECT YOUR PET! WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS TOO HOT – IT’S TOO HOT FOR PAWS.

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We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and coins from PCGS and NGC. We also feature a full selection of circulated gold and 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. 90% silver coins; including all denominations and grades. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. Investing in Precious Metals involves a risk of loss. Past performance is never a guarantee of future returns. The opinions expressed here are those of Guidance Corporation. e opinions expressed here are those of Guidance Corporation. e opinions expressed here are those of Guidance Corporation. e opinions expressed here are those of Guidance Corporation. e opinions expressed here are those of Guidance Corporation. Th The content should not be taken as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not as investment advice and is for informational purposes only. Always consult with a professional before purchasing precious metals. Data and pictures shown here are for illustrative purposes only, and do not constitute a recommendation by Guidance Corporation to buy or sell a particular product. constitute a recommendation by Guidance Corporation to buy or sell a particular product. constitute a recommendation by Guidance Corporation to buy or sell a particular product. constitute a recommendation by Guidance Corporation to buy or sell a particular product. 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